It took me a whole year to update my blog~~~

 

    Why a voodoo doll? well to be honest this was the only pic on hand that somewhat explains what was happening to me since February 2021. The neat part of it is that I got summon to be temporary transfer to another department that was in need during the pandemic and I was luckily got a transfer to the ministry of health I was working at the health clinic and it was actually really really fun indeed I gave me a feeling of how might it be when we are transferred out of this particular department and honestly strengthen the motivation to do so.... I might just turn my application this year indeed cause why not?     

    I got to meet ew friends at the new place KKM and that was fun indeed, but well it was fun for a few month thing got hectic when i was again tranfered to the Vaccine unit and that was a hectic one indeed, so for the next few month after that i was like 8am to 9pm at the vaccine centre doing vluntering work for the ministry of health and it was satisfiying buttt... m body almost breaksdown at that time cause well i was day in and day out doing work and there was nearly no rest time between them it was like really tiring but i did it and it was the best time to be doing voluntering to help the people. wait was i voluntering? cause i got paid not like the student volunteer, but eyy they got paid to help us that time, well it seem that we were compensate for our work, but if you work for a commercial industry for this kind of work you been very well compensate i guess. There were many issue when i was working for the vaccine unit here in sandakan. There were time where there is no vaccine cause supply was late. Then there those who are not registered came to get vaccinated and then there the drama of it all.  By drama i mean well you have the normal office drama and all, but remeber it was during this time that you had a run in with the traffic police and well you got in trouble for it huhuhu... still waiting for th aftermath of that particular effect huhuhu... 

to be honest the year was a much of a blur cause mainly i was focusing on the stuff i was doing then but after all that on september we were ask to return to our old place of work which was a bummer cause i was actually enjoying the stuff i was doing. Now i am back in the old office i was getting a lot of good vibe back from everyone that was nice but to tell you te truth i still would like to be tranfered of the prticular department and well it seem that it might be done soon enough. well i need to get stuff done at first then i guess i need to be  ready to get stuff transfered,    

i guess that all i need to say about what happening last yar, this year well we play catch up with everything medical appointment and stuff, my sleep test was back on the calender after that we have the endocrine plus the neck problem and the physiotheraphy and much much more, then we have the CPAP Trial to see if the machime would actualy help in my condition and if it actually a better choice then anything else, i am trying to get at least a full 8 hour sleep so i really get back to the optimal self if that was actualy a thing or me just being lazy and blaming it on the condition to justify that it was not on purpose that i was lazy at all. i hope i can get a machine for my sleep apnea it will surely help me a lot and after that then i can get myself out of the department and be somewhere they are going to appriciate me .

that me for now

the huggable ben  

2021.... i had so high hope...

 

Well why do we thinking that when the year turn from 2020 to 2021 suddenly everything will turn for the best. All the trouble that we had will just simply go away and 2021 is the year when we all get to go back to the way it use to be. Well shockingly!!!!! it did not.

My stories October 2020, when the second wave of the pandemic has just erupted in my state of sabah and well everything when arry at that time, Second lockdown are back, PKP.2.0 or MCO 2.0. Somehow the next phase does not have high stat of helping like the 1st one cause although it was the second time MCO happen the people does not see to understand that without everyoneplaying their part it would not work at all.  we had a small break during xmas and new year. People are given opportunity to met up family and friends. that should be good rite but well nahh... rather than just have small family gath, people are planing lavish party and wedding... that so iresponsilble rite? but hear me out. all story have a second part, or a back story and nothing is as it seem. Although people understand that it would be dangerous they would be doing it because it might just be their last opportunity to do so.. weird kind of mentality but heyy if you take the time to listen, to them it might be, we never know. I heard this before MCO 2.0 actualy. People want to see their family and love one cause they honesty believe that it was the coming of the end of the world and it might be the last time they spent the time together. 

Rubbish right, at first i tahought that too. But when recently i have friends that had pass on not from the pandemic, but was from natural causes. you kind of think that yeah life is to short and the unability to say the thing we want to say to someone before  they actualy gone hurt a lot. really a lot. I learnt this before and well we have other technology thatt can help us get in touch without endangering people by spreadinig the viruses when we travel. Some people thought when they think they are not able to see their love one for the last time it really clouding their judgement in what they do. I advise people who wh to get married to just get registered and be formal and the party can be done on a later date, where we can do more planning and such. But i get it, some are a result of years of planning and effort so no able to celebrate it like the way we want it can be not favorable.

January pass just like that in a blink of an eye.. nothing much happen just existing and occasionally poping in the office to see if there is anything that the office might need to be done. February seem to be the same thing, nothing that was plan or can be  plan for the month, just existing and  be there for the sake of being there. 

there is no Ash weds Mass, I have been to church for the last month, i cant go back for mom bday end of this month and i miss my new nephew so much... pluss my fluffy bam bam too,,,, hurgghhh,,,,, hope it all be over soon and we can be back to the way it usedto be....

So lets plan our Funeral....

Covid -19 had really change our life as a whole, i never had guess that in the modern world and with all the advance technology that we have, this particular virus had really cause the world to stop and think.

During the lock down something that i had the abundant of time to do was to think about death. I am in my late 30, i am obese as you can see my picture and i do have some medical condition. I am a Type-2 Diabetic on medication, i have borderline HBP and occasional if i control my food intake Gout. Some people call this the trio of sickness. hehehe...

So with all that if i should have contracted the virus (knock on wood!!) by theory i would not have a chance of surviving it because i have a pre-medical condition that does not help in the particular virus attack hence the bleak outcome if well i would be dead.

So since i was far away from family when the lock-down happen, i was thinking if i am to died i would not like to trouble my family with the transport and stuff. I have some relative that had died here and the family would bring them back to my hometown and the cost of that logistic is astronomical. I don't want to burden them if that ever happen to me. 

So lets plan our funeral.. 1st step we plan what to wear in the coffin, i would like to wear a hermit habit if that was possible, but you have to be profess to do that so i just want a simple plaid shirt and jeans, i would think that to sleep in jeans is comfortable, so my last journey why not plaid and jeans on my second journey. right? 2nd i would make a video of my last day, to thank everyone whom had remember me and came to my memorial, ask for forgiveness  and final goodbyes to everyone, and hope my family would play it during my memorial. Made a 40 days and 100 days video too and 1 year memorial video too.. had it all..

3rd, as a catholic it was never really a norm in my community to cremate their love one remain, it is seen as a practice from a pagan culture. But the Vatican has come up with a document to allow cremation, so i would be cremate and only my ashes would be brought back to my home town. The video will help for the memorial and cremate is better if it was the virus so it brunt with me and does not effect anyone else.. I ask my family to make me a small columbarium at our family plot so i would always be near my love one. i would not ask for flower instead ask my family to do some charity in my memory. See simple and meaningful. So if i should pass away during this pandemic this is what i ask my family to do so it would not burden any of them.   

We end our lock-down and i got transfer back nearer to my home town, i am grateful for the opportunity and as we say before change is the only constant. so let learn something and adapt to our new environment. 

During lock-down with the abundant time i had i was pouring myself into the movies at Netflix and you-tube content and i find out something i really want to so soon, i would like to go camping with my love ones, nothing fancy like glamping or anything just maybe near a river or stream with tree and blue morning sky and stary nite sky. that would be lovely, we are around the camp fire and telling everyone what up with everyone life. yeah that would be very fun indeed.

So yeah, if we really think in a calm situation we can really accept what ever that would come in our life journey hehehe

that all for now

The Huggable Ben 

Change is the only constant....~~~~

The last entry was last April 2020 huh? well it was during the MCO and there was actually nothing to do than just sleep and eat and sleep again. It was the first for everyone, to be stuck indoor because of the pandemic. I cant imagine the front liner situation at that time. But i am thankful for their effort. 

So what happen since then?, well... biggest one of all i got transferred back to my home state.... although might not be back at my hometown, at least it was my home state. But i was not even a year in Temerloh rite? yeah and almost 4 month of that time i was at home during the MCO. So actually to be honest i was there only for 4 month actually. But hell was i glad that i am going back to Sabah.

First thing first, it was a hassle to move around during the MCO, going to KL or anywhere in between. Everything is close and even the essential one are sometime close because there was not enough people to manage the shop. so there was many many hour spend on the tab. enjoying all the show and catching up with the you tuber that i was following all this while.  

come to end of may i had to make a choice, to stay until CMCO end on June 9  or fly back to sabah at that time. If i fly back i had to do my quarantine and the risk for my parent and newly born baby nephew... but there was another trouble brewing. The house issue come to light i was told by previous tenant that the owner would not return the deposit for the room i renting so in order not to was the deposit we need to plan the move efficiently too. And as i left the room i was told he was not gonna give me back the deposit because the room was dirty lar the bill was high lar anything that you can think off, so i was like hurmm i guess it already but well i need to leave before he can charge me more. so had to leave for KL on Hari Raya then off balik to sabah.

Had to undergo 14 days of quarantine which was ok in a way cause well i was with my family, all my test was negative and everyone seem to be healthy except that i was having some leg problem that turn out to be mystical, demn it.. the thing came back but it was another spices not like the old one. Which remind me that i owe my parent for the fee of the ritual.

after the quarantine, we had to plan our journey to Sandakan... yeap i was posted in Sandakan. 7 hour drive from my home town. Luckily my cousin come to the rescue cause they also wanted to go on a journey have the long hiatus of MCO. Then i am here.... more detail on the next entry about the whole ordeal we had to endure but for now this Fat tiger after MCO is here trying to settle down in a new place and a new job that is new although once i did get into before in the old dept... 

You see how far the story went off topic from the initial topic which is the real reason why i wanted to do an entry today....

This Fat tiger-dugong just Pass the Entree Exam for the Office Post ...yeahhhhh!!!! but well that just the exam, then there is the interview and such, and there is only 15 post for the vacancy. So well we need to study and make note on what important for the post and be ready i guess... 

for a while there havent been any great news for me, there was the news that why nephew was safely born, he is a cute buddle of joy indeed. hehehe.... but today 16 July 2020... i pass the exam... will i pass the other task of interview? well lets hope it will to.... that you big guy up there....

The big huggable Ben  

MCO Day 22 – Marie Kondo-ing My Room

Yup Its day 22 of MCO, and just finish join the live streaming of Maundy Thursday Mass From Sacred Heart Cathedral. It is a bit sad that this year there no new Candidate for Confirmation and First Holy Communion. Most Sad would be to see that those whom are really into the holy week every year and this time we cant really do the mass cause of the MCO and to fight of the Covid 19 Attack in our country. Sadly we are not the only one facing this. Catholic all around the world are facing this. For the first time in my generation I guess that the churches are close for the holy week.

So what have I been doing? Well a friend come to visit and help bought some groceries and had a nice chat with an actual human being, although we do keep our distance but hey a hug before a friend leaving us is important, and since we were really staying in our home not meeting anyone so think we are safe hopefully. I am so grateful that a friend come over checking up on me help buy some stuff cause the shop nearby are running low in supply also and that just it although food delivery are allowed many provider don’t because the low demand of the product is just not enough to cover their cost, hence although we understand why we kind of think that well we don’t really think about what we buy before we can’t buy them anymore. For example bread we used to buy once a week and sometime we don’t even finish them and they go bad. Now we can’t even buy it and when we do I for one only buy one loaf because that all I need for the week, and that how long it normally last. Why buy more? If you have a big family and need to provide for them I can understand. But those who panic buy them? Why? Its not going to last that long. That why food production is consider a front liner because they provide food supply for us.

We are going of topic hahaha… I was going to tell you about what have I been doing, for the last 3 days I haven’t left my house at all because my groceries run are all done when my friend come over. So stuck in the house we start re-watching youtube vedio on marrie kondo method. Got inspire and well that was what I am doing. Channeling what bring joy and what not and hence what not get donated and what bring joy are repack and ready to ship. Wait~~~ shipped to where?? Soon enough you will tell you. For now let just say we have 5 box ready… we just need the tape them up and bind with plastic.

Well that from me on the MCO 22^nd day

Huggable and hermetic Ben

  

Day 18 of the MCO….Shadow people..

Well last night had to sleep with the lights on cause the shadow people are back weird things is that I had prep everything that might cause them to now come back to the house but when I move to the master bedroom. I move the location of the particular stuff to set up the barrier up.. I forgot that the movement are not really where it supposed to be. So I had to move and add some of the stuff so the circle is complete. Hopefully they won’t come back. Although they don’t really do anything that really hazardous  just that the shocked from the glimpse of them are really annoying and it put thought in your mind that you really don’t want to be thinking in the middle of the nite trust me with that hahahaha..

So the order from Shoppe arrived today. I tot it was a clear plastic but it was actually packet with an address pouches hahahaha.. Well I don’t really mind since I have used for it too to compartmentalize the stuff I am packing for the whole move.

Haven’t had any job for the last few months since I had move from the big city.. owh you know what? I think I need to change the name of this blog from the big city to just the big town since I am no longer in the Big City just a small town in the middle of the peninsular living an hermitic life hehehehe….

I saw a quote today about how when you get older and wiser you then to have a silent private relationship who knew will know who does not then you need to be relevant to know who I have a relationship with if you not relevant MYOB ~~~ hehehe…long distant relationship? Yeah cant be help but I am so happy that I can have a relationship after so many heartbreak along the way… almost believe that I don’t deserve to have a meaningful relationship. I should just be a slut…and you know enjoy the flesh than understanding the meaning of love…ala giteww hahaha…

I need to prepare the stuff for the job I have taken, I hope there gonna be a few hundred RM from ths which can really help me in my traveling move after the whole MCO ended….

Anyway I just heard a good farewell greeting…

“I See You When The World Healed~~” so meaning for us I think

The Hug-gable Hermetic Ben

MCO and The Big Move ~~

Day 15 of MCO, as always it almost been 3 months since my last entry...I can’t believe that was held up with so many stupid things that normally won’t even effect my wellbeing but because of its small yet significant issue I had me going like down ward spiral ever since.

Being the hermitic life that I am not, only allow myself a few excursions with friends here and there, much to my amazement that I have been trying to maintain something that was just stupid for me to do in the first place. A friend tries to warm me but because I haven’t seen the truth in that particular way yet at the time, I honestly didn’t see it. At last something happen and truth become clearer than ever before, hence stern action was taken no matter what. It did cause some confusion at 1^st but then again what new it the life of chubby Ben.

It been 13 years and more since I started working and a lot of stuff happen during these time that change my life considerately. But I think in my own word. I had enough of this and it’s time for me to get back home or near to home. And I actually started the event in motion unintentionally. I keep my prayer short and simple asking for help in trying to get my life back in order, and actually in some way it does during the MCO. Enough time for myself to do some spring cleaning and further de-clutter and actually reducing what I really need until I got the news that change is coming in another few week and hence I just realize that how much thing I got to reduce in order the journey back for the coming changes soon.

Come to think of it I am getting a bit sad that I have to be on this journey and leave my friends behind, some of them have been with me for such a long time that I really think that I be very sad to no hang out with them again soon. But change is the only constant hence I make new friends soon but my old friend will forever with me in my heart and on social media. Hope they come visit me soon and maybe we could have a very nice trip to where I am going.

Everything seem to fall into place at the moment, setting me on a path that would make me grow even more I hope. Yeah it’s a bit far but like that the best I can do for now… hopefully soon I could do and much nearer place to my hometown. The fiscal unbalance situations now also seem to have a great solutions hence I hope by the time all this isolation movement has come to an end and we are able to fight off the virus attacking human kind we would be on a better situations and moving toward to be a better person…wuuuuu~~~ cant wait.. Thank you big guy up there~~~~~

Huggable Hermitic Ben……

Although Its December~~

Although its December where the ends of the years comes near but I guess for me it the start of things, my first month of trial run and stuff in the new office has come to an end and now it time to show what I can really do but hey. problem with that is well I am not sure if I am up for the challenge or not.

The Sly fox’s is almost everywhere I am not sure why but I guess the experience of the old offices and some tragedies from last two years has a bit harden my heart and view to see everyone as a sly fox’s. protect yours borrow and make sure the sly fox never gets in and see how you really are.

But the last two nights at the house was very cold indeed not really sure if that a good thing or not it is the season of rain and flood here so its water season so it may be that but the morning was very cold and well hehehehe…

Reminiscing for the last few's days on the pilgrim journey we had last year it was a beautiful journey indeed, and well its was special because it was with the parents and well I was the furthers journey I ever had. Will do it again someday… when? Well that is for the big guy up there to decide hehehe..

I was hoping that today I could be going to the night market but it seem that the rain might had cause the market to be closed so its either just pau or meggi today which is ok in so many way.

My journal is making it way I hope I can complete it though I havce waste a lot of book journal these past few years only able to commit like a few days to a week before it because something hard under the Bed hahahaha….

I hope I can revisit the holy again, just to feel the awesome presence there… soon hopefully

The huggable Ben

The move complete~~I guess

I guess this year is a two thing happening at one time, for example was wound healing twice this year, the boil and then now the exsospipe bunt on my leg. Trying to figure out my living arrangement and now for the 3^rd time this year I move again. This year end whist my move to Temerloh Pahang. I am so stress because there were so much to do, packing repacking move removing. But if I were to be station here for now on we, I guess all the basic need are fulfilled. Except for the laundry arrangements. There is no nearby laundry that I can do myself, there is a laundry mat down the office I guess I can send it there but for now, I bring my cloths back to KL to be wash at the house. The KL home based.

Change is the only constant, that is what I always say to myself and to those whom had a drastic change in their life. Yes, change is the only constant but I didn’t say that it did not come with so much hardship to overcome and such. But I least I know whom I doing this for, for my faith for my family and for my future. Am I going to be here for that long? I am not sure of that but yeah it could mean I need to be here a while longer than I had expected but that come with the change I guess. The harder it get the more I learn about what to do and what to expect, don’t expect to much and you never go wrong cause you be more appreciated to the things that you have now. That a major thing that I need to rethink and reassess on what I am doing right now. Hopefully new place new people all the old stressed are going to stay in the past.   

There is nothing else top look forward to this year but the long holiday going to spend it with friends and family especially with my heart an soul RRDU~~~ wuuuuuu~~~~ huggy to all ~~

The Huggable Ben

Almost a week here..

The hermetic journey begin...

That make it sound so dramatic doesn't it? but i hope it was that dramatic. The new office environment are much much more conducive in this initial introduction, File room is a bit tad small though, i mean on the second day I got stuck twice between the cabinet whilst trying to find some file. So system here is simple too, file number are easy to understand, the court system is also something i can understand. No to much urgent file that need to be done as soon as possible like the last place so yeah that a good thing too.

There is a lot of night market here, only Wednesday night the only slot in the whole of the week that there is no night market nearby. That great since i can easily buy food for dinner there. The new housemate seem find too, small chat and everyone just mind their own matter which is nice since i dont really think i have much passion this early of the state of the move. But eyy its always nice to meet and make new friends.

Just like Qud.. a few i just meet, very nice guy, very cheerful and friendly, got to kidnap him to go to the night market a few time, but unable to buy him dinner yet cause the wife seem to love cooking for him so he has to get home quickly hehehe.. its nice to have a friend though, can laugh and stuff hehehe..

Since its still early of the move not much task needed to do hence more time to return to my passion of writing blog. hehehe.. i should try to see if there are new stuff to do here like maybe fishing and stuff.. hehehe....

The Huggable Ben

The Yellow Car Phenomenon

I always wanted to do this particular topic for a while now because the thing happen to me recently.

The Phenomenon was a positive one " When was the last time you saw a yellow car? You might see a yellow car once a day or so . Now, for the next week check out how many yellow cars you see. Since I have alerted you to yellow cars, you will probably observe many more of them than you had previously noticed. Is it because so many more yellow cars just hit the streets? Of course not. You just focused your mind on yellow cars, and like a magnet, you see more of them."  this phenomenon was supposed to explain how "The more you focus on the 'positive side of life,' the more you will attract the same things. The things we focus on create a magnet for our lives." see it was a positive kind of phenomenon or how i would like to called it as a theory 

why? because the same way as you say focus on the positive it will attract positive things, focus on the negative it will attract negative things also. The thing that happen to me was those people was hoping to see my negative side so they can tattle tale on me. They forgotten that i have notice this shit happening for such a long time. i had warn the person in charge about this and ask that i would be place in a location where that kind of issue might arise. The person in charge say it was ok, the person in charge understand and will take noted but still place me where it might arise and issue. Less then two week there is an issue and after that a simple action of posting a picture in socmed cause an uproar stating i live an extravagance lifestyle, sadly the constant tattle tale to the person in charge even without evidence take a toll on the person finally just accepted that i might be doing these but leave any trail of evidence ... well i told that person about this theory... and say i told you about this long before this is even an issue, i agree to your instruction because you told me that you wont be effected by all the yellow car push in front of you.. and now... you just accept that i was a yellow car... a negativity yellow car..... but as a blessing... i was relocated... the reason was not because of the yellow car issue but those focusing in see the negative me.. was so scared that i leave without anything for them to curse at... make another yellow car statement and the all were in an uproar.. making so many statement yet since i am going out... whut the F people you just cause trouble for everyone. then i realize it was so that everyone can blame me for the trouble that happen... but..well you all dead to me anyway hahahahaha.... see this is the dark side you wanted to see.....

The Huggable Ben

New place, New task, New life in the small town

I wanted to write about the yellow car theory before this, it been a while since i wrote anything but yet i almost lost my way and almost chose to end it all and start a new, but i was given a chance to well hope for the best and try to go through it with my head hail high about the water that was trying to drown in for the past year.

Since the start of the issue last year where it was among the best time of my life. But as experience had told me before once you were on top of the world you be down at the bottom before you know it and yes it was what actually happen to me the whole of 2018 till 2019 but it was almost like i found a flotation device and had a few aha moment that guide me through it all and perseverance was what i took from it and it lead me to where i am now.

Before the issue was resolve i was treated like a sacrificial lamb that was going to be sacrifice anytime soon and everyone whom i tot was a friend at that time was there watching all the way until out of the blue it was decide that i was saved from it and it should had ended just like that. But nahh... it wouldn't be as simple as that. it would be more than just a simple let go. I was relocated... hence no more chubby Ben in the big City but chubby Ben in the small town. In a way it was what the big guy up there had planned. Here i got to practice a pure way of hermetic-ism. Simple life it what i always advocate in so many way hence here is where i can do that.

Sad thing about all of this is that a project that i started with some of my friend never get finished i was wounded and was not able to get back the momentum that was need to completed the journey of that particular project hence i was unable to complete it. Although i have thought of great deal about it and found that it was just not meant to be at all. I did not regret it that i was not able to finish it off i have learn a lot from it but i was sad that i have to let down some people who have high hope that it would be done. In my heart i would have love to complete it but it was just not meant to be, all plan that i have planed to do to complete it was canceled by all the issue that have arise since the incident last year.

But well i hope we will start a new journey at a new place and with new people, trust are not easily given now but i wont be a dark joker whom had been hurt o many time but something like hayley quinn that seem nice but well let just say would never be that nice for anyone to step on me again without repercussion...

your sincerely the hug gable Ben

 

I lost my way~~

I love to write, why did i stop for almost a year?? Kind of weird that i found my peace by writing my thought yet i havent done it a while does it mean my mind is in chaos? Well i think it is..

I am typing this trails of thought in a coffee shop, i dont think i could proof read any grammar mistake and migjt mix it a bit. A true account of what happen until today.

From july 31 last year i am not sure what happen but a few huge stuff indeed. Did some nice huge project too. And yup i fell in the comfort zone to much i think. Come december 2017 this i think was the best time in my recent life, i got to be with my family. My cousin to be exact. The trip was objectified to be a buy stuff trip. My feeling about it more about helping one of my cousin to overcome a huddle in his life. And it was beautiful too because i got to cacth up something that i witheld for so long from my family. And got to release all my emotion back to my fluffy rabbit. Did a simple xmas party and well got most of the family back home. I love it, it was like i achive something that make me and my fam happy.

Normal January 2018, come feb, went back to celebrate mum bday and retirement plus side my family cny that i had been missing for the last 11 years, can you believe that, i havent celebrate cny with family, my mum bday for 11 years, why???? Well because i was working, and today i realize that it was no for nothing..

Come mac and april 2018, something happen, something huge that i did not prepare for. A huge hurddle for me indeed. Got link to a mistake that was so minute in my years of expirinc3 but because something major happen, i am the target for the big wolf. No matter what happen it seem that i would be thier aim.

The goverment change, i was happy that i was part of that particular historical event, i was the GE14 staff for the election. And happen to be it was the GE that made history. Once that over i thought i was clear. Need to start to rebuild myself from the downfall...boy was i wronged.

Who is your friend, that was the game in may, who is your friend when the big guns uses not a direct move, something in which we are prepared for. The lowest technique ever. Pysch people around me, make them think i am bad, coming from someone with position well it look believable indeed i think and everyone start to agree that i was the bad one. I just couldnt believe how effective that method was.

Had to used the big gun, isolate myself and sacrifice the believe that everyone was there cause i been so helpful to them i have been so commited to the work and it will proof that our sscrifice before are worth it.....not...

Tehy used everything that i have done to help them before as the reason for being the bad person. Officially i was the black sheep, the one that everyone can sacrifices and be done with it. Remember when i say that i was training a hermitic life? I did know the big guy up there was preparing me for this year. A hermitic life indeed, you keep to yourself and tried to overrried the issue untils it dies down the we can make some changes....

It seem that this is a theme, after 6 years at the old dept, some issue arise and i was transfered. Now after six years at the new place, another huge issue arise. Is it time for me to click the transfer button again?...i just might have too..

Though i s1till hope that i would be just tranfered out of the dept without me applying for it. People at my work place might find this as a suprise, but i do have friends and love them, i might loose them once i am transfer, but i think that just it, i loose myself or them....they might just be a long distance friend rather than a close one soon.

That why i feel broken, why did this thing happen? Why must everything changes. The i remember a saying. "Change is the only constant", thing that does not change will be history. To grow and develop we muct change.

I visited melaka this weekend, i spend at my usual haunt when i was a bit younger when i knew someone there and well it taught me that if melaka did not change, it will never be as develop as it is now. The memories linggers and resonace in my head, but it has change and the memories is what we must hold to remind us of what had happen.

Slowly i must accept that the only way i can be back on my feet is to  change, this time maybe slower but a change is needed. A huge trip is coming soon, another issue might pop up..

This remind me of a story when i first came to the current office, there was a staff from my island too. I wanted to be transfered back to his hometown because want to be near the parent that was not doing well. His application was never entertain, and he decided that to trow everything and went back home. I thought to myself, why trow everything that he has work so hard for? Now i realize that the department and the job was not worth more than family. Last nite i was wacthing a movie call stardust there was a line that say " i am not a shopboy, i am a boy who works in a shop, and i can work somewhere else".... this hit me too... i was worry about the pension that i might loose without this job but what is a pension if one loose themself in the process?? You can get back the time you missed just because work come in between you..... find something that make me happy and not to please someone on the top that would instantly sacrifice you in order to saved themselve

I wrote to much already, heheheheh but ......to be continue~~~~~

What??? 1st post?? What was I doing??? Let see…..

There the new year, it was fine but did not got to do much at my home town since well all time was well spent with family. Got a new niece during this time, Baby Gwen was the highlight of the whole hometown visit. This year can’t buy anyone toys since well I don’t think toys are relevant to them, plus it only took them a few days to get fed up with them so what a good uncle to do then just gave new year’s money. Cousin was all grown up, I remember when I was the grown up and they were still youngsters that was a cute years indeed, now everyone has grown up, everyone has girlfriends to attend too, but one thing for sure I love it when we get together and have our new year drinking session. The grown up of my generation.

January roll in and well I had a hard time coming back to KL and work life, I woke up in the middle of the nite frantic to find where baby Gwen was, I was taking care of her until I had to come back to work so yeah I was missing her a bit. But the is was also the start where me heart got broken. Why is it when I open up my heart to anyone it keep getting hurt and well I do not like my state of mind at this time. Hurt deliver hate and hate does not go well with me, cause it cause more hearth break than ever before.

February was the month where it was official my heart was broken again and it hurt as much as ever, Then I realize that I have friends whom understand and well it was not as terrible to go through when you have friends that was there for you in hardship and all, so at the time where I needed the most I was sent a friends whom I never thought would ever be my friend. And that was February..

Mac came along, with all the hectic-ness of my job and some issue that was arise because I was helpful.. Yeah I know stupid rite? But that what happen, to compensate the blur ness of my head I decided to do something about my own life my own development so On march 2017… I enrolled as a master student. Using all the profit I have to do it too. That was it I guess..

April was not really eventful just so much to read and learn and stuff to do in the office and well I do felt that it was like my formation to be a better me. Heart still broken yet still hoping that what was lost will return.

Came May…I thought I would complete the rite of conformation sacrament at this time, why? I sense that it what I need to do, so I spend what left of the small profit in getting to my hometown and fulfilling my rite to the sacrament of conformation, I didn’t get to use the name Alejandro but at least my name was unique enough to hold for the rest of my  life. So may was a fulfilling one indeed.

Enter June, My master class are getting more harder with test and presentation and report to submit but that the whole reason for it to happen, it if not hard I would mater if you complete or not your studies that why we shall prevail amidst adversity hahahahaha… it was also the third of the contact class for my theology studies, and I saw the the chance to see what Jesuit really is and went to find it out…

July the exam month has come although with only 3 subject the stake was high as anything below than a B would be a indication that I would not be able to continue my studies, so hard work and sacrifices of sleep are needed indeed..

August came…remember the small profit well it was back a few new job and stuff now enough to cover tuition fee for the second semester oh yeah I pass my first semester but not as good as everyone else but I pass and that all that matter…wuuu~~~~  and it was this month that again my heart got broken to pieces and well also lost it but at least special friends are around to help. Hugs heal broken heart faster.. I guess I was not over it yeat after so many month but well someone help me, thank you..you know who you are…

So now it 1^st of September and wht do we have? Hari Raya Korban at the office hehehehe… but on to and adventure soonest wuuuu~~~~  let hope everything goes well..

The huggable Ben

The Practice. PR…Consultant

Well people would know that I do PR consult, although before it was just for the sake of studies and turn out that it could be a small profit things to do although suddenly because I am so peculiar about quality of the final product I became to obsess with the quality that I forgot that this is part time stuff. And taking to much job is taking me piece by piece, I don’t fill that I am a whole person when I think to many stuff to be done, took to may job at a very short time….wuuu~~ but at least it does bring a small profit, I am able to buy and install a new ceiling fan, new spectacle hopefully new phone I hope hehehe… it more profit then hopefully could fund my master studies. Hehehe..  Well that was the dream when I started the PR practice. But I just realize how much work and attention to detail I need to do. Oh my gosh… Need to be more selective than quantity.

Come on ben, September in looming…. You need to get yourself together …although love life seem to be happening though just need to see rhythm that all I need hehehe…

Wuuu August coming to an end~~!!!!  

The huggable Ben

July post… the very late post….

Well! remember when I say I wanted to post something about the island and stuff?  Let’s just say I was very very fun but very very expensive, because the food there during tourist season is like *sigh*.

But what happen? Why another late post? Is my life that hectic to post anything anymore? Not really I think I just then to forgot about the blog same as my diary something a few week abandoned before the next post, How can I call myself a writer when I am not keen into writing right? I need to remind myself that.

About the trip, I was relaxing and the photo-shoot was great too. Waiting for the result hehehehe. The island life is so me, I love the seas and the sun and the swimming and snorkeling and just the pristine water of Perhentian island.  Except for the garbage which was overwhelm because of the sear amount of tourist in the island that have a very bad habit on where to throw their own garbage. I wish the scout in the state or the student there would organize a beach cleanup or something, since the place is a tourism location it would easy to find such sponsorship I tell you very easy indeed with enough time planning though.

So what happen in June? Well! June is the perfect time to turn vegetarian, whilst fasting with the others. Although there is a time, when I did broke the taboo of being vegetarian during the fasting month, I am glad that I at least got more than half a month being pure vegetarian. During this month also my appointment with Dr. Masni for an endocrine clinic, seem my health management these pass few month was like really really bad, My HBA1C in over 10, although my fasting was 7.6 is it still seem bad management. Then come the BP checkup, BP was fine, nothing new, but a bit increase since I actually gain more weight since the last checkup. Doc was saying something like how bad the result for that particular visit was. She changes a few meds and add more encouragement to lose more weight. Other than that I got a new pen for the insulin injection and a new apt for DM monitoring wuu more MC hahahaha.

Come July, Officially a student again although what I am learning is totally new and out of the norm education here in Malaysia. A new journey but well I hope I can complete it as my other studies go. Was only able to do some reading, haven’t finished the assignment yet, but fun to learn new things I guess. Hopefully, this satisfied my hunger for something new to learn and obtain hehehehe~~~!!

Wish me luck people…

Thehuggable Ben

A writer whom does not write?

That me, I like to say that I am a writer but for the past few months the amount of writing I had made would be ermm… 1 blog last February… oh my gosh what had happened to me? If I am in the scout movement,  I would have lost my writer badge already.

I just had an epiphany I want to write, I may or may not be publishing in the form of books or other formal publishing but I have this blog and that would be enough for me I think, for now. Who knows maybe someday I may just finish the novel that I had always wanted to write and all. The longest written work that I had done for the past 4 years would be my academic writing which is also 1/3 of charts and statistic. But well deep in my heart I still want to write. So I will write here a place where I can express myself and only judge by those who follow me hahaha. But I can be bother about that now I just want to write.  

I am taking a diploma in theology soon, I am doing it because I wanted to learn more than the Sunday school syllabus that we all had been through before and there are some much more than that I wanted to learn about it. Which when I was young the adults would always say that it was not at my level to understand. Yeah, I might not be able to understand it at that time; maybe I would be able to understand it now.

Well, that would be the new me updating my blog why. just to remind me of what to write on the next one, this pic will help.

The huggable ben 

The January Late Post~~hold on…it already February~~~

After the last post what have I been doing? Well to tell you the truth I been finding ways to continue my masters studies which I was offer this month, for the whole length of my holiday, I was thinking how do I going to do the studies. And well deferment is the only way I think.

November 2015 was the only month I can remember what had happen during the whole month, I remember I apply for a post and had to go to HQ just to wait nearly 4 hour to get a copy of a document which was so stupid because it was just a simple task but because some shenanigans that they wanted to maintain as so called ruler of the organization yet does not even understand how to read the rule or any supporting document until it is shove in their face I guess.

Yeah hectic month November, but not as hectic as December because well I had to finish everything before going back for the holidays luckily meet up with a fun lecturer from northern east coast which I help to help the lecturer student which I found out was actually helping that lecturer to complete that lecturer studies. But his guidance on how to do master really cleaq my view on it. Maybe one day when I have the ability to continue my studies I will.

The holiday I was focusing more on the family, more cooking more spending time with everyone although hectic with the new babies in the house and the old one too, hehehe.. love it a lot. Got the chance to go to church more frequent and then got to know about the new religious order of single individual which was wow in a way.

My gosh almost end of February and well I can say as much for the months I forgot to update.. trying to frequently type my story but well I hope mac would be the month I start

The huggable ben~~

The Gap in between~~

You know with the amount of time that I am supposed to have after finishing school I would have to have a lot of time to catch up with my blogging, but I turn out that I have less time to do such thing since I am sorting out messy arrangement in the office, Need to catch up with all the back log and form more procedure to simplified and optimizing the effectiveness of my task finishing methodology.

What big work usage… hahaha…. Yeah it been a while since the last paper of my final exam and almost two month since the result of my final semester was announce and I am really stoic about it. Although I did not gain the privilege to obtain the “First Class Honors” since my CGPA is 3.48 just shy of 0.02 point, but at least I finish it on time, 8 semester and within the contract of my sponsor, which remind me had not receive anything from them in a while now, does this mean I am off the hook or maybe some more bureaucratic shenanigans in the future.

What to do now? Master degree? Find another job? run of to become a hippie or maybe a hermit? Hahahaha… I am not sure… suddenly the same feeling 4 years ago before I continue my studies came back, what to do now? What should I do?.... maybe this moment between the convocations which will be next year… there clues to what to do next……

The huggable ben 

All Things Are Passing

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This year I was heavily influence by the Carmelite religious order, so much so that I did a novena where I found calmness. I wonder why? I had always known about the order since long ago, but all this time, I had only able to visit the monastery last year. I thought at first that was the reason why I am really affluence to the order… yet after almost a year I finally understand why…

Carmelite orders are and order that focus on finding the higher up with prayer and meditation. “how would you find peace in chaos? You find peace in contemplating silence and prayer” that was what one of the Nuns of the order says. And yes in the world where I am living now chaos and hectic-ness are the norm. Nothing can actually be too quite. There gadget and environmental sound almost everywhere now. So how do we find our own self? In one of the order prayer there is this verse which say “all things are passing; only God is changeless. Patience gains all thing”.. I pin up that prayer on my cubicle and every time I need to find myself. The prayer really does help.

31 June 2015 my grandma pass away, my heart sunk and broken since the last time I saw her was last December. I could not hug her tightly that time because she seem fragile, I was afraid that I might hurt her if I gave her a hug, I was only able to give her a kiss and hold her hand for a while. Franticly I went to find a flight ticket back home but to no avail. I might have missed the funeral. The morning after I saw the prayers pin-up on my cubicle and start to recite it over and over again to find a way to calm my heart. A few moment after I got a call and it’s a friend whom got me a flight ticket that evening. I was thankful to my friend because if not I would had regret it for the rest of my life. When I was on board that flight my tears can’t stop flowing for the whole two hour journey. Yet it was not because mow she are gone, it was because I was remembering everything my grandma had done for me on during my younger years. I guess I always thought she be there forever. “All things are passing” now I understand.

The Huggable Ben