I lost my way~~

I love to write, why did i stop for almost a year?? Kind of weird that i found my peace by writing my thought yet i havent done it a while does it mean my mind is in chaos? Well i think it is..

I am typing this trails of thought in a coffee shop, i dont think i could proof read any grammar mistake and migjt mix it a bit. A true account of what happen until today.

From july 31 last year i am not sure what happen but a few huge stuff indeed. Did some nice huge project too. And yup i fell in the comfort zone to much i think. Come december 2017 this i think was the best time in my recent life, i got to be with my family. My cousin to be exact. The trip was objectified to be a buy stuff trip. My feeling about it more about helping one of my cousin to overcome a huddle in his life. And it was beautiful too because i got to cacth up something that i witheld for so long from my family. And got to release all my emotion back to my fluffy rabbit. Did a simple xmas party and well got most of the family back home. I love it, it was like i achive something that make me and my fam happy.

Normal January 2018, come feb, went back to celebrate mum bday and retirement plus side my family cny that i had been missing for the last 11 years, can you believe that, i havent celebrate cny with family, my mum bday for 11 years, why???? Well because i was working, and today i realize that it was no for nothing..

Come mac and april 2018, something happen, something huge that i did not prepare for. A huge hurddle for me indeed. Got link to a mistake that was so minute in my years of expirinc3 but because something major happen, i am the target for the big wolf. No matter what happen it seem that i would be thier aim.

The goverment change, i was happy that i was part of that particular historical event, i was the GE14 staff for the election. And happen to be it was the GE that made history. Once that over i thought i was clear. Need to start to rebuild myself from the downfall...boy was i wronged.

Who is your friend, that was the game in may, who is your friend when the big guns uses not a direct move, something in which we are prepared for. The lowest technique ever. Pysch people around me, make them think i am bad, coming from someone with position well it look believable indeed i think and everyone start to agree that i was the bad one. I just couldnt believe how effective that method was.

Had to used the big gun, isolate myself and sacrifice the believe that everyone was there cause i been so helpful to them i have been so commited to the work and it will proof that our sscrifice before are worth it.....not...

Tehy used everything that i have done to help them before as the reason for being the bad person. Officially i was the black sheep, the one that everyone can sacrifices and be done with it. Remember when i say that i was training a hermitic life? I did know the big guy up there was preparing me for this year. A hermitic life indeed, you keep to yourself and tried to overrried the issue untils it dies down the we can make some changes....

It seem that this is a theme, after 6 years at the old dept, some issue arise and i was transfered. Now after six years at the new place, another huge issue arise. Is it time for me to click the transfer button again?...i just might have too..

Though i s1till hope that i would be just tranfered out of the dept without me applying for it. People at my work place might find this as a suprise, but i do have friends and love them, i might loose them once i am transfer, but i think that just it, i loose myself or them....they might just be a long distance friend rather than a close one soon.

That why i feel broken, why did this thing happen? Why must everything changes. The i remember a saying. "Change is the only constant", thing that does not change will be history. To grow and develop we muct change.

I visited melaka this weekend, i spend at my usual haunt when i was a bit younger when i knew someone there and well it taught me that if melaka did not change, it will never be as develop as it is now. The memories linggers and resonace in my head, but it has change and the memories is what we must hold to remind us of what had happen.

Slowly i must accept that the only way i can be back on my feet is to  change, this time maybe slower but a change is needed. A huge trip is coming soon, another issue might pop up..

This remind me of a story when i first came to the current office, there was a staff from my island too. I wanted to be transfered back to his hometown because want to be near the parent that was not doing well. His application was never entertain, and he decided that to trow everything and went back home. I thought to myself, why trow everything that he has work so hard for? Now i realize that the department and the job was not worth more than family. Last nite i was wacthing a movie call stardust there was a line that say " i am not a shopboy, i am a boy who works in a shop, and i can work somewhere else".... this hit me too... i was worry about the pension that i might loose without this job but what is a pension if one loose themself in the process?? You can get back the time you missed just because work come in between you..... find something that make me happy and not to please someone on the top that would instantly sacrifice you in order to saved themselve

I wrote to much already, heheheheh but ......to be continue~~~~~

What??? 1st post?? What was I doing??? Let see…..

There the new year, it was fine but did not got to do much at my home town since well all time was well spent with family. Got a new niece during this time, Baby Gwen was the highlight of the whole hometown visit. This year can’t buy anyone toys since well I don’t think toys are relevant to them, plus it only took them a few days to get fed up with them so what a good uncle to do then just gave new year’s money. Cousin was all grown up, I remember when I was the grown up and they were still youngsters that was a cute years indeed, now everyone has grown up, everyone has girlfriends to attend too, but one thing for sure I love it when we get together and have our new year drinking session. The grown up of my generation.

January roll in and well I had a hard time coming back to KL and work life, I woke up in the middle of the nite frantic to find where baby Gwen was, I was taking care of her until I had to come back to work so yeah I was missing her a bit. But the is was also the start where me heart got broken. Why is it when I open up my heart to anyone it keep getting hurt and well I do not like my state of mind at this time. Hurt deliver hate and hate does not go well with me, cause it cause more hearth break than ever before.

February was the month where it was official my heart was broken again and it hurt as much as ever, Then I realize that I have friends whom understand and well it was not as terrible to go through when you have friends that was there for you in hardship and all, so at the time where I needed the most I was sent a friends whom I never thought would ever be my friend. And that was February..

Mac came along, with all the hectic-ness of my job and some issue that was arise because I was helpful.. Yeah I know stupid rite? But that what happen, to compensate the blur ness of my head I decided to do something about my own life my own development so On march 2017… I enrolled as a master student. Using all the profit I have to do it too. That was it I guess..

April was not really eventful just so much to read and learn and stuff to do in the office and well I do felt that it was like my formation to be a better me. Heart still broken yet still hoping that what was lost will return.

Came May…I thought I would complete the rite of conformation sacrament at this time, why? I sense that it what I need to do, so I spend what left of the small profit in getting to my hometown and fulfilling my rite to the sacrament of conformation, I didn’t get to use the name Alejandro but at least my name was unique enough to hold for the rest of my  life. So may was a fulfilling one indeed.

Enter June, My master class are getting more harder with test and presentation and report to submit but that the whole reason for it to happen, it if not hard I would mater if you complete or not your studies that why we shall prevail amidst adversity hahahahaha… it was also the third of the contact class for my theology studies, and I saw the the chance to see what Jesuit really is and went to find it out…

July the exam month has come although with only 3 subject the stake was high as anything below than a B would be a indication that I would not be able to continue my studies, so hard work and sacrifices of sleep are needed indeed..

August came…remember the small profit well it was back a few new job and stuff now enough to cover tuition fee for the second semester oh yeah I pass my first semester but not as good as everyone else but I pass and that all that matter…wuuu~~~~  and it was this month that again my heart got broken to pieces and well also lost it but at least special friends are around to help. Hugs heal broken heart faster.. I guess I was not over it yeat after so many month but well someone help me, thank you..you know who you are…

So now it 1^st of September and wht do we have? Hari Raya Korban at the office hehehehe… but on to and adventure soonest wuuuu~~~~  let hope everything goes well..

The huggable Ben

The Practice. PR…Consultant

Well people would know that I do PR consult, although before it was just for the sake of studies and turn out that it could be a small profit things to do although suddenly because I am so peculiar about quality of the final product I became to obsess with the quality that I forgot that this is part time stuff. And taking to much job is taking me piece by piece, I don’t fill that I am a whole person when I think to many stuff to be done, took to may job at a very short time….wuuu~~ but at least it does bring a small profit, I am able to buy and install a new ceiling fan, new spectacle hopefully new phone I hope hehehe… it more profit then hopefully could fund my master studies. Hehehe..  Well that was the dream when I started the PR practice. But I just realize how much work and attention to detail I need to do. Oh my gosh… Need to be more selective than quantity.

Come on ben, September in looming…. You need to get yourself together …although love life seem to be happening though just need to see rhythm that all I need hehehe…

Wuuu August coming to an end~~!!!!  

The huggable Ben

July post… the very late post….

Well! remember when I say I wanted to post something about the island and stuff?  Let’s just say I was very very fun but very very expensive, because the food there during tourist season is like *sigh*.

But what happen? Why another late post? Is my life that hectic to post anything anymore? Not really I think I just then to forgot about the blog same as my diary something a few week abandoned before the next post, How can I call myself a writer when I am not keen into writing right? I need to remind myself that.

About the trip, I was relaxing and the photo-shoot was great too. Waiting for the result hehehehe. The island life is so me, I love the seas and the sun and the swimming and snorkeling and just the pristine water of Perhentian island.  Except for the garbage which was overwhelm because of the sear amount of tourist in the island that have a very bad habit on where to throw their own garbage. I wish the scout in the state or the student there would organize a beach cleanup or something, since the place is a tourism location it would easy to find such sponsorship I tell you very easy indeed with enough time planning though.

So what happen in June? Well! June is the perfect time to turn vegetarian, whilst fasting with the others. Although there is a time, when I did broke the taboo of being vegetarian during the fasting month, I am glad that I at least got more than half a month being pure vegetarian. During this month also my appointment with Dr. Masni for an endocrine clinic, seem my health management these pass few month was like really really bad, My HBA1C in over 10, although my fasting was 7.6 is it still seem bad management. Then come the BP checkup, BP was fine, nothing new, but a bit increase since I actually gain more weight since the last checkup. Doc was saying something like how bad the result for that particular visit was. She changes a few meds and add more encouragement to lose more weight. Other than that I got a new pen for the insulin injection and a new apt for DM monitoring wuu more MC hahahaha.

Come July, Officially a student again although what I am learning is totally new and out of the norm education here in Malaysia. A new journey but well I hope I can complete it as my other studies go. Was only able to do some reading, haven’t finished the assignment yet, but fun to learn new things I guess. Hopefully, this satisfied my hunger for something new to learn and obtain hehehehe~~~!!

Wish me luck people…

Thehuggable Ben

A writer whom does not write?

That me, I like to say that I am a writer but for the past few months the amount of writing I had made would be ermm… 1 blog last February… oh my gosh what had happened to me? If I am in the scout movement,  I would have lost my writer badge already.

I just had an epiphany I want to write, I may or may not be publishing in the form of books or other formal publishing but I have this blog and that would be enough for me I think, for now. Who knows maybe someday I may just finish the novel that I had always wanted to write and all. The longest written work that I had done for the past 4 years would be my academic writing which is also 1/3 of charts and statistic. But well deep in my heart I still want to write. So I will write here a place where I can express myself and only judge by those who follow me hahaha. But I can be bother about that now I just want to write.  

I am taking a diploma in theology soon, I am doing it because I wanted to learn more than the Sunday school syllabus that we all had been through before and there are some much more than that I wanted to learn about it. Which when I was young the adults would always say that it was not at my level to understand. Yeah, I might not be able to understand it at that time; maybe I would be able to understand it now.

Well, that would be the new me updating my blog why. just to remind me of what to write on the next one, this pic will help.

The huggable ben 

The January Late Post~~hold on…it already February~~~

After the last post what have I been doing? Well to tell you the truth I been finding ways to continue my masters studies which I was offer this month, for the whole length of my holiday, I was thinking how do I going to do the studies. And well deferment is the only way I think.

November 2015 was the only month I can remember what had happen during the whole month, I remember I apply for a post and had to go to HQ just to wait nearly 4 hour to get a copy of a document which was so stupid because it was just a simple task but because some shenanigans that they wanted to maintain as so called ruler of the organization yet does not even understand how to read the rule or any supporting document until it is shove in their face I guess.

Yeah hectic month November, but not as hectic as December because well I had to finish everything before going back for the holidays luckily meet up with a fun lecturer from northern east coast which I help to help the lecturer student which I found out was actually helping that lecturer to complete that lecturer studies. But his guidance on how to do master really cleaq my view on it. Maybe one day when I have the ability to continue my studies I will.

The holiday I was focusing more on the family, more cooking more spending time with everyone although hectic with the new babies in the house and the old one too, hehehe.. love it a lot. Got the chance to go to church more frequent and then got to know about the new religious order of single individual which was wow in a way.

My gosh almost end of February and well I can say as much for the months I forgot to update.. trying to frequently type my story but well I hope mac would be the month I start

The huggable ben~~

The Gap in between~~

You know with the amount of time that I am supposed to have after finishing school I would have to have a lot of time to catch up with my blogging, but I turn out that I have less time to do such thing since I am sorting out messy arrangement in the office, Need to catch up with all the back log and form more procedure to simplified and optimizing the effectiveness of my task finishing methodology.

What big work usage… hahaha…. Yeah it been a while since the last paper of my final exam and almost two month since the result of my final semester was announce and I am really stoic about it. Although I did not gain the privilege to obtain the “First Class Honors” since my CGPA is 3.48 just shy of 0.02 point, but at least I finish it on time, 8 semester and within the contract of my sponsor, which remind me had not receive anything from them in a while now, does this mean I am off the hook or maybe some more bureaucratic shenanigans in the future.

What to do now? Master degree? Find another job? run of to become a hippie or maybe a hermit? Hahahaha… I am not sure… suddenly the same feeling 4 years ago before I continue my studies came back, what to do now? What should I do?.... maybe this moment between the convocations which will be next year… there clues to what to do next……

The huggable ben