Although Its December~~

Although its December where the ends of the years comes near but I guess for me it the start of things, my first month of trial run and stuff in the new office has come to an end and now it time to show what I can really do but hey. problem with that is well I am not sure if I am up for the challenge or not.

The Sly fox’s is almost everywhere I am not sure why but I guess the experience of the old offices and some tragedies from last two years has a bit harden my heart and view to see everyone as a sly fox’s. protect yours borrow and make sure the sly fox never gets in and see how you really are.

But the last two nights at the house was very cold indeed not really sure if that a good thing or not it is the season of rain and flood here so its water season so it may be that but the morning was very cold and well hehehehe…

Reminiscing for the last few's days on the pilgrim journey we had last year it was a beautiful journey indeed, and well its was special because it was with the parents and well I was the furthers journey I ever had. Will do it again someday… when? Well that is for the big guy up there to decide hehehe..

I was hoping that today I could be going to the night market but it seem that the rain might had cause the market to be closed so its either just pau or meggi today which is ok in so many way.

My journal is making it way I hope I can complete it though I havce waste a lot of book journal these past few years only able to commit like a few days to a week before it because something hard under the Bed hahahaha….

I hope I can revisit the holy again, just to feel the awesome presence there… soon hopefully

The huggable Ben

The move complete~~I guess

I guess this year is a two thing happening at one time, for example was wound healing twice this year, the boil and then now the exsospipe bunt on my leg. Trying to figure out my living arrangement and now for the 3^rd time this year I move again. This year end whist my move to Temerloh Pahang. I am so stress because there were so much to do, packing repacking move removing. But if I were to be station here for now on we, I guess all the basic need are fulfilled. Except for the laundry arrangements. There is no nearby laundry that I can do myself, there is a laundry mat down the office I guess I can send it there but for now, I bring my cloths back to KL to be wash at the house. The KL home based.

Change is the only constant, that is what I always say to myself and to those whom had a drastic change in their life. Yes, change is the only constant but I didn’t say that it did not come with so much hardship to overcome and such. But I least I know whom I doing this for, for my faith for my family and for my future. Am I going to be here for that long? I am not sure of that but yeah it could mean I need to be here a while longer than I had expected but that come with the change I guess. The harder it get the more I learn about what to do and what to expect, don’t expect to much and you never go wrong cause you be more appreciated to the things that you have now. That a major thing that I need to rethink and reassess on what I am doing right now. Hopefully new place new people all the old stressed are going to stay in the past.   

There is nothing else top look forward to this year but the long holiday going to spend it with friends and family especially with my heart an soul RRDU~~~ wuuuuuu~~~~ huggy to all ~~

The Huggable Ben

Almost a week here..

The hermetic journey begin...

That make it sound so dramatic doesn't it? but i hope it was that dramatic. The new office environment are much much more conducive in this initial introduction, File room is a bit tad small though, i mean on the second day I got stuck twice between the cabinet whilst trying to find some file. So system here is simple too, file number are easy to understand, the court system is also something i can understand. No to much urgent file that need to be done as soon as possible like the last place so yeah that a good thing too.

There is a lot of night market here, only Wednesday night the only slot in the whole of the week that there is no night market nearby. That great since i can easily buy food for dinner there. The new housemate seem find too, small chat and everyone just mind their own matter which is nice since i dont really think i have much passion this early of the state of the move. But eyy its always nice to meet and make new friends.

Just like Qud.. a few i just meet, very nice guy, very cheerful and friendly, got to kidnap him to go to the night market a few time, but unable to buy him dinner yet cause the wife seem to love cooking for him so he has to get home quickly hehehe.. its nice to have a friend though, can laugh and stuff hehehe..

Since its still early of the move not much task needed to do hence more time to return to my passion of writing blog. hehehe.. i should try to see if there are new stuff to do here like maybe fishing and stuff.. hehehe....

The Huggable Ben

The Yellow Car Phenomenon

I always wanted to do this particular topic for a while now because the thing happen to me recently.

The Phenomenon was a positive one " When was the last time you saw a yellow car? You might see a yellow car once a day or so . Now, for the next week check out how many yellow cars you see. Since I have alerted you to yellow cars, you will probably observe many more of them than you had previously noticed. Is it because so many more yellow cars just hit the streets? Of course not. You just focused your mind on yellow cars, and like a magnet, you see more of them."  this phenomenon was supposed to explain how "The more you focus on the 'positive side of life,' the more you will attract the same things. The things we focus on create a magnet for our lives." see it was a positive kind of phenomenon or how i would like to called it as a theory 

why? because the same way as you say focus on the positive it will attract positive things, focus on the negative it will attract negative things also. The thing that happen to me was those people was hoping to see my negative side so they can tattle tale on me. They forgotten that i have notice this shit happening for such a long time. i had warn the person in charge about this and ask that i would be place in a location where that kind of issue might arise. The person in charge say it was ok, the person in charge understand and will take noted but still place me where it might arise and issue. Less then two week there is an issue and after that a simple action of posting a picture in socmed cause an uproar stating i live an extravagance lifestyle, sadly the constant tattle tale to the person in charge even without evidence take a toll on the person finally just accepted that i might be doing these but leave any trail of evidence ... well i told that person about this theory... and say i told you about this long before this is even an issue, i agree to your instruction because you told me that you wont be effected by all the yellow car push in front of you.. and now... you just accept that i was a yellow car... a negativity yellow car..... but as a blessing... i was relocated... the reason was not because of the yellow car issue but those focusing in see the negative me.. was so scared that i leave without anything for them to curse at... make another yellow car statement and the all were in an uproar.. making so many statement yet since i am going out... whut the F people you just cause trouble for everyone. then i realize it was so that everyone can blame me for the trouble that happen... but..well you all dead to me anyway hahahahaha.... see this is the dark side you wanted to see.....

The Huggable Ben

New place, New task, New life in the small town

I wanted to write about the yellow car theory before this, it been a while since i wrote anything but yet i almost lost my way and almost chose to end it all and start a new, but i was given a chance to well hope for the best and try to go through it with my head hail high about the water that was trying to drown in for the past year.

Since the start of the issue last year where it was among the best time of my life. But as experience had told me before once you were on top of the world you be down at the bottom before you know it and yes it was what actually happen to me the whole of 2018 till 2019 but it was almost like i found a flotation device and had a few aha moment that guide me through it all and perseverance was what i took from it and it lead me to where i am now.

Before the issue was resolve i was treated like a sacrificial lamb that was going to be sacrifice anytime soon and everyone whom i tot was a friend at that time was there watching all the way until out of the blue it was decide that i was saved from it and it should had ended just like that. But nahh... it wouldn't be as simple as that. it would be more than just a simple let go. I was relocated... hence no more chubby Ben in the big City but chubby Ben in the small town. In a way it was what the big guy up there had planned. Here i got to practice a pure way of hermetic-ism. Simple life it what i always advocate in so many way hence here is where i can do that.

Sad thing about all of this is that a project that i started with some of my friend never get finished i was wounded and was not able to get back the momentum that was need to completed the journey of that particular project hence i was unable to complete it. Although i have thought of great deal about it and found that it was just not meant to be at all. I did not regret it that i was not able to finish it off i have learn a lot from it but i was sad that i have to let down some people who have high hope that it would be done. In my heart i would have love to complete it but it was just not meant to be, all plan that i have planed to do to complete it was canceled by all the issue that have arise since the incident last year.

But well i hope we will start a new journey at a new place and with new people, trust are not easily given now but i wont be a dark joker whom had been hurt o many time but something like hayley quinn that seem nice but well let just say would never be that nice for anyone to step on me again without repercussion...

your sincerely the hug gable Ben

 

I lost my way~~

I love to write, why did i stop for almost a year?? Kind of weird that i found my peace by writing my thought yet i havent done it a while does it mean my mind is in chaos? Well i think it is..

I am typing this trails of thought in a coffee shop, i dont think i could proof read any grammar mistake and migjt mix it a bit. A true account of what happen until today.

From july 31 last year i am not sure what happen but a few huge stuff indeed. Did some nice huge project too. And yup i fell in the comfort zone to much i think. Come december 2017 this i think was the best time in my recent life, i got to be with my family. My cousin to be exact. The trip was objectified to be a buy stuff trip. My feeling about it more about helping one of my cousin to overcome a huddle in his life. And it was beautiful too because i got to cacth up something that i witheld for so long from my family. And got to release all my emotion back to my fluffy rabbit. Did a simple xmas party and well got most of the family back home. I love it, it was like i achive something that make me and my fam happy.

Normal January 2018, come feb, went back to celebrate mum bday and retirement plus side my family cny that i had been missing for the last 11 years, can you believe that, i havent celebrate cny with family, my mum bday for 11 years, why???? Well because i was working, and today i realize that it was no for nothing..

Come mac and april 2018, something happen, something huge that i did not prepare for. A huge hurddle for me indeed. Got link to a mistake that was so minute in my years of expirinc3 but because something major happen, i am the target for the big wolf. No matter what happen it seem that i would be thier aim.

The goverment change, i was happy that i was part of that particular historical event, i was the GE14 staff for the election. And happen to be it was the GE that made history. Once that over i thought i was clear. Need to start to rebuild myself from the downfall...boy was i wronged.

Who is your friend, that was the game in may, who is your friend when the big guns uses not a direct move, something in which we are prepared for. The lowest technique ever. Pysch people around me, make them think i am bad, coming from someone with position well it look believable indeed i think and everyone start to agree that i was the bad one. I just couldnt believe how effective that method was.

Had to used the big gun, isolate myself and sacrifice the believe that everyone was there cause i been so helpful to them i have been so commited to the work and it will proof that our sscrifice before are worth it.....not...

Tehy used everything that i have done to help them before as the reason for being the bad person. Officially i was the black sheep, the one that everyone can sacrifices and be done with it. Remember when i say that i was training a hermitic life? I did know the big guy up there was preparing me for this year. A hermitic life indeed, you keep to yourself and tried to overrried the issue untils it dies down the we can make some changes....

It seem that this is a theme, after 6 years at the old dept, some issue arise and i was transfered. Now after six years at the new place, another huge issue arise. Is it time for me to click the transfer button again?...i just might have too..

Though i s1till hope that i would be just tranfered out of the dept without me applying for it. People at my work place might find this as a suprise, but i do have friends and love them, i might loose them once i am transfer, but i think that just it, i loose myself or them....they might just be a long distance friend rather than a close one soon.

That why i feel broken, why did this thing happen? Why must everything changes. The i remember a saying. "Change is the only constant", thing that does not change will be history. To grow and develop we muct change.

I visited melaka this weekend, i spend at my usual haunt when i was a bit younger when i knew someone there and well it taught me that if melaka did not change, it will never be as develop as it is now. The memories linggers and resonace in my head, but it has change and the memories is what we must hold to remind us of what had happen.

Slowly i must accept that the only way i can be back on my feet is to  change, this time maybe slower but a change is needed. A huge trip is coming soon, another issue might pop up..

This remind me of a story when i first came to the current office, there was a staff from my island too. I wanted to be transfered back to his hometown because want to be near the parent that was not doing well. His application was never entertain, and he decided that to trow everything and went back home. I thought to myself, why trow everything that he has work so hard for? Now i realize that the department and the job was not worth more than family. Last nite i was wacthing a movie call stardust there was a line that say " i am not a shopboy, i am a boy who works in a shop, and i can work somewhere else".... this hit me too... i was worry about the pension that i might loose without this job but what is a pension if one loose themself in the process?? You can get back the time you missed just because work come in between you..... find something that make me happy and not to please someone on the top that would instantly sacrifice you in order to saved themselve

I wrote to much already, heheheheh but ......to be continue~~~~~

What??? 1st post?? What was I doing??? Let see…..

There the new year, it was fine but did not got to do much at my home town since well all time was well spent with family. Got a new niece during this time, Baby Gwen was the highlight of the whole hometown visit. This year can’t buy anyone toys since well I don’t think toys are relevant to them, plus it only took them a few days to get fed up with them so what a good uncle to do then just gave new year’s money. Cousin was all grown up, I remember when I was the grown up and they were still youngsters that was a cute years indeed, now everyone has grown up, everyone has girlfriends to attend too, but one thing for sure I love it when we get together and have our new year drinking session. The grown up of my generation.

January roll in and well I had a hard time coming back to KL and work life, I woke up in the middle of the nite frantic to find where baby Gwen was, I was taking care of her until I had to come back to work so yeah I was missing her a bit. But the is was also the start where me heart got broken. Why is it when I open up my heart to anyone it keep getting hurt and well I do not like my state of mind at this time. Hurt deliver hate and hate does not go well with me, cause it cause more hearth break than ever before.

February was the month where it was official my heart was broken again and it hurt as much as ever, Then I realize that I have friends whom understand and well it was not as terrible to go through when you have friends that was there for you in hardship and all, so at the time where I needed the most I was sent a friends whom I never thought would ever be my friend. And that was February..

Mac came along, with all the hectic-ness of my job and some issue that was arise because I was helpful.. Yeah I know stupid rite? But that what happen, to compensate the blur ness of my head I decided to do something about my own life my own development so On march 2017… I enrolled as a master student. Using all the profit I have to do it too. That was it I guess..

April was not really eventful just so much to read and learn and stuff to do in the office and well I do felt that it was like my formation to be a better me. Heart still broken yet still hoping that what was lost will return.

Came May…I thought I would complete the rite of conformation sacrament at this time, why? I sense that it what I need to do, so I spend what left of the small profit in getting to my hometown and fulfilling my rite to the sacrament of conformation, I didn’t get to use the name Alejandro but at least my name was unique enough to hold for the rest of my  life. So may was a fulfilling one indeed.

Enter June, My master class are getting more harder with test and presentation and report to submit but that the whole reason for it to happen, it if not hard I would mater if you complete or not your studies that why we shall prevail amidst adversity hahahahaha… it was also the third of the contact class for my theology studies, and I saw the the chance to see what Jesuit really is and went to find it out…

July the exam month has come although with only 3 subject the stake was high as anything below than a B would be a indication that I would not be able to continue my studies, so hard work and sacrifices of sleep are needed indeed..

August came…remember the small profit well it was back a few new job and stuff now enough to cover tuition fee for the second semester oh yeah I pass my first semester but not as good as everyone else but I pass and that all that matter…wuuu~~~~  and it was this month that again my heart got broken to pieces and well also lost it but at least special friends are around to help. Hugs heal broken heart faster.. I guess I was not over it yeat after so many month but well someone help me, thank you..you know who you are…

So now it 1^st of September and wht do we have? Hari Raya Korban at the office hehehehe… but on to and adventure soonest wuuuu~~~~  let hope everything goes well..

The huggable Ben